Devotion to Others, Devotion to Self: One Mother's Perspective
By Deborah L. Shipley
As I awaken in the morning to the sun's first subtle peek through my dark bamboo shades, I turn onto my left side, and a smile quickly overtakes the corners of my mouth. My senses are filled with my precious child, peacefully slumbering and perhaps dreaming of a day filled with new discoveries and adventures. Moments such as these offer me a sense of contentment, a feeling that all is perfect in the moment.
If only I had known that my heart would be captured by this amazing being that I brought into the world three short years ago. If only I had known the passionate feelings that this tiny soul would inspire in me, welling up in my heart and permeating every inch of me – this motherly devotion, this motherly love.
Devotion is defined as the ardent, often selfless, affection and dedication to a person or principle. This definition, however, does not begin to describe the actual feelings that motherhood has inspired in me – and countless other mothers. But as with everything, devotion may carry a darker side. The dharma of devotion – whether it be to a child, a partner/spouse, an ailing parent, a friend in need or anyone else in our lives – if it is not coupled with the devotion to self, will ultimately lead to the loss of one's spiritual, physical and emotional wellbeing. The devotee (the mother) is not the only one who suffers; the subject of the devotion (the child) loses as well. Devotion to another that is out of balance with devotion to self can further lead to dependency or co-dependency.
As a mother, I have learned the value of my time. I certainly would not trade this time in my life for anything, but sometimes I do feel wistful for the “get-up-and-go/do-as-I please” me who has clearly been replaced by the “do it now” person I have become. I tell people to treasure their time before they start their families because it will never be the same once they have children. Yet, I feel very fortunate to have adapted rather easily into my role of motherhood. I know some who have had great difficulty accepting this drastic change in their lifestyles. Although I did not experience this process as a painful one, I truly understand the overwhelming nature of parenthood itself and the perceived loss of freedom.
There has been no greater joy in my life than when I have been laughing with my son, nurturing, loving, nourishing, cuddling, kissing boo-boos, sharing in joys and wiping tears, bottoms and noses. Yet there are moments when I sense my own resistance to motherhood. The sound of my child's call, “Mommy!” is usually like nectar to my ears, sweet and filling; so when my ears suddenly begin to sting a bit, I know it is time for self-care.
Devotion? Yes. Devotion in absence of self-care? Not advisable. Devotion does not have to – and should not – mean the loss of freedom. For example, in order for me to be an effective parent, I must make time for myself, even if only for a fleeting moment or two each day. I know I probably will not have the abundance of free time I once did until my child is grown; and that is perfectly okay with me. Even brief moments of self-care can rejuvenate my mind, spirit and body, refresh my soul and emanate love inward.
Devotion to the self can include myriad activities, such as yoga or exercise, meditation or quiet time, nutrition, personal and spiritual development, solitude, time with a spouse or friends, hobbies, reading, going to a movie that is silly or feeds the soul, or just taking time to have fun. However, it can be very challenging to take time for self when you are a parent, especially during the first few years when your child's needs are so intense. Even as children become more independent, devotion to the child and devotion to the self is still a balancing act and an integral part of being a good parent. We must first feed our own souls in order to be able to nurture our children's souls. When I take that important time – even if for just a few minutes – to engage in activities that fill my “adult” needs, I come back to parenting refreshed and able to be fully present and open to the love that the devotion of motherhood brings.
Our children will have many teachers in their lives – as parents or caregivers we are the first. Our children learn about life and discover the world in so many different ways including silent observation. They watch, they see, and they absorb and emulate habits and qualities that are prominent in us, their parents. Seeing those qualities in our children may someday prompt us to think, “Wow, they must have gotten that from me.” We may not even recognize some qualities in ourselves until we see them in our children. An amazing coach of mine once told me, “If you take care of yourself, your son will know it is okay to take care of himself.” That was a powerful and sobering message for me.
Create the opportunity for your children, as well as others in your life, to learn about the beautiful, fulfilling balance of devotion and devotion to the self. Consider what self-care can bring to your devotion. Devotion? Yes. Devotion seasoned with self-care? It has been the most rewarding, amazing experience in my lifetime.
Deborah Shipley is a registered yoga teacher, a writer, and a devoted mother. She resides in Pennsylvania with her son. You may contact her at dlshipley@comcast.net.
