The Ladder of Forgiveness
By Rev. Tony Senf
Forgiveness brings a sense of physical ease, emotional relief and a psychologically brighter outlook – or simply stated, forgiveness brings more peace, love and joy into your life. Like most things in this world, forgiveness has varying degrees. The level to which these benefits of forgiveness are experienced is determined by how far up the “Forgiveness Ladder” you are willing to climb. It should be noted that forgiveness at any level is beneficial and should not be discounted, but the higher we climb the ladder, the greater the degree and intensity of the benefits.
The starting premise is that forgiveness is not a divine action but it is divinely inspired. In other words, the Supreme Being or Higher Power, _____ (you fill in the blank), being perfect and showing unconditional love, can see only that which is perfect. It has no need to forgive, never having condemned. Therefore, no guilt is left in place. The best way for humans to reflect this unconditional love is through forgiveness; the less guilt we leave in place, the closer we get to love and to having more peace and joy in our lives. As we ascend the Forgiveness Ladder, the amount of guilt that remains in place (after the forgiveness is given) determines the elevation of one rung over another. Although we only move up one rung at a time, the rungs get farther apart as we ascend, requiring us to stretch a little more each time.
This model is taken from a weekend intensive workshop entitled Beyond Forgiveness. The summaries below will help you to recognize where you have been on the Forgiveness Ladder, as well as offer you a choice of other rungs to which you can move in order to experience greater benefit.
Rung #1
Compulsory Forgiveness is something we do because we feel it is the “right” thing to do. Most of us learned this as children. We were told to forgive our friends and siblings in order to be good children. The bottom line is that we forgive on this level because we somehow feel we should forgive. It leaves a lot of blame and guilt in place, but at least it stops the bloodshed.
Rung #2
Practical Forgiveness is for our own good. In the Twelve Step movement, the recovering addict is taught that his life will not work if he holds on to grievances, so he should let go of them. Grievances have been found to be a major cause of relapse; therefore, it only makes sense to give them up. This same principle applies to all of us across the board. Grievances, which keep guilt in place, have a harmful effect on our mental and physical health. In other words, holding a grievance is like taking rat poison and hoping that the rat dies. Enlightened self-interest alone would lead us to forgive at this level.
Ring #3
Parental Forgiveness is the absolution of the wise parent for the ignorant child. It is the basic thought, “If they had known better, they would have done better.” It provides an excuse for the offense and the guilt but without removing it. This level of forgiveness also leaves superiority and arrogance in place by looking down on the other person. Therefore, we also can hear it as, “I've forgiven you since I'm better than you, you ignorant being.” A lot of guilt remains in place, but it is higher up the ladder because it includes a willingness to see the other in a “somewhat” higher light.
Rung #4
Compassionate Forgiveness requires a significant shift in attitude. When we become hurt, we are so focused on our own feelings that we rarely stop long enough to wonder what the other person, the perpetrator, must have been feeling and believing about himself/herself to have committed the act. Compassionate forgiveness asks us to move beyond some of our immediate judgments and see the other person as a fellow, feeling being – someone whose act must have been motivated by pain, either conscious or subconscious. It asks us to look within to a time when we may have done something hurtful to others as a way of dealing with our own pain, guilt and inadequacies. It joins us with the other person and makes way for understanding. In this joining, we begin to realize that forgiving the other person is a way to forgive ourselves and relieve our own pain. With compassionate forgiveness, we begin to see our oneness with our brothers and sisters. No matter who we are, we all have those same basic feelings. There is an old saying that, “Hurt people hurt people.” But as we begin to alleviate our guilt and hurt through forgiveness, we alleviate the need to hurt others and ourselves.
Rung #5
Universal Forgiveness moves us into responsibility at a higher level as we begin to acknowledge the Law of Attraction, which has been working in our lives all along. It basically says that everything we have in our lives, whether it appears good or bad, is something that we have attracted to ourselves. It is difficult to believe this at first. However, when we look at the long stream of same old relationships, same old jobs, same old financial problems, health challenges, rejections, feelings, same darn thing over and over, and the only common denominator is us, some responsibility has to be taken. This level of forgiveness requires us to look at the lessons that we are to learn from each experience by taking responsibility for the beliefs we hold and the feelings that we carry that would have attracted this person, event or situation into our lives. We can now begin to see these villains in our lives as indicators that we have some beliefs and feelings, some guilt of which to let go – to forgive on a universal level so that hurtful recurring patterns can be released.
Note: The final two rungs are difficult to explain in a brief overview. If you have reached this point, consider learning more about the advanced rungs by taking a workshop or other intensive approach to this spiritual ideology.
Rung #6
Spiritual Forgiveness requires a greater willingness to be responsible at a higher level of consciousness – a higher level of mind. On this rung we begin to identify more with our true nature as spirit, and less with our familiar identity as an individual ego. We also begin to realize that spirit is everyone's true nature. Spiritual forgiveness requires us to take responsibility for the thoughts we hold and the feelings they produce, regardless of how far we have shoved them down into our subconscious. At this level of awareness, we also reason that the darkest thoughts – the ones that dwell at the depths of our unconscious mind, the ones that run our life with total disregard for our most positive conscious thought – would remain secretly in control of our lives if they had not been brought to our awareness by the spiritual being we thought to be our enemy. In other words, we not only forgive an adversary, but also are grateful for them.
Note: To get to the next rung from here, we have to stand on our toes to reach and stretch as far as possible. If we cannot reach it yet, no need to worry. Practicing on the rungs just below this one will limber us up enough so that we will be able to stretch much further in the future. With enough practice, we will find that it is not such a far reach after all.
Rung #7
Extreme Forgiveness requires a level of responsibility that can accurately be described as “extreme.” It involves knowing, “I am responsible for it all – every blade of grass, every animal great and small, every country, every government, every event from beginning to now, inspired or insane, honorable or heinous, brilliant or demented. I am responsible. I am responsible for every planet and every moon, every sun and every star, and every subatomic particle that pops in and out of existence. I am responsible. I am responsible because I am the dreamer of the dream. It is my dream and no one else's, for there is no one else. I am that I am, and I am not my dream. I am that I am spirit. I am that I am changeless and eternal. I am that I am, and my dream, like all dreams, never really happened. Now I can forgive what never really occurred. That is forgiveness…and it is extreme!
Like moving up any ladder, forgiveness requires some effort and a desire to reach the top. Of course, when the reward is peace of mind, as well as more love and joy in your life, the climb is more than worth it. Practice climbing as high as you can with each upset that arises in your life because, large or small, they all disturb your peace of mind.
Rev. Tony is the founder of The Miracle Center and New Era Network, a transformational training organization. He began his first two years of serious spiritual study as a Baptist seminary student. He made the leap into metaphysics and is currently working on his Doctorate in that field of study. Rev. Tony currently serves as Associate Pastor at Unity Center Church in Cleveland Heights and facilitates study groups on A Course In Miracles in Stow, Chesterland and Cleveland Heights each week. Beyond Forgiveness and Creating A Holy Relationship are two of the weekend intensives also facilitated by Rev. Tony. For more information call (440) 546-1519 or go to www.TheMiracleCenterOnline.org.
